


The Graveyard Inside My Body

by phandoe



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Phan Fluff, Phan Smut, Phanfiction, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-10-05 20:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10316513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phandoe/pseuds/phandoe
Summary: "You are not stupid or careless or brave. You've just never seen the closeup of a haunting." - Brenna TwohyDan Howell has been harboring demons unbeknownst to his best friend Phil Lester. Phil can only hope that these walls his friend built up will collapse before their relationship does. This is a story about a friendship being put through the ringer and about a deep love that is longing to be felt.





	1. Explaining Depression To Your Lover: A Conversation

_"There's nothing wrong with being gay!"_

Those words rang in my ears like I stood too close to the church bell on a Sunday morning. But the cereal rolling off the table guided by the spilled milk and the smell of burning coffee reminded all of my senses that I was here. I was in my kitchen - our kitchen - arguing with my flatmate for a reason that I'm sure neither of us could put our finger on yet we continued to yell anyway. My eyes narrowed in on his once the shock of his words released my spine. I was responding without thinking, words knotting themselves to form a confession that my heart did not consent to. 

"It's not just that, Phil! You don't get it! There is a _graveyard_ inside of my body and I am _haunted_ by its ghosts. My mind feels like a war zone and I am hung by the invisible noose around my neck that tightens and pulls me back every time I wander too far out of the dark... The dark always drags me back to my bed. You say I never leave my bedroom? Because I _don't_ leave my bedroom because I _can't_ leave my bedroom! It's not just my safe haven, Phil, it's my casket! And its wall are made out of voices telling me I am worthless. I am stupid. I am ugly. I am nothing! And some days when I have the courage to look in the mirror I find flowers trying to grow at the back of my throat and I want to get them out because how could something beautiful come from something so sick? I try every night, after every meal - I - no matter how far back I reach in my throat I can't get it out! I'm _so_ sorry! I'm sorry, Phil, I know - I know I messed up..."

I didn't realize Phil had grabbed ahold of me nor did I realize how violently I was shaking. My body racked with sobs, my face red and splotchy and wet. My throat was aching from my screaming that I could hardly bring myself to speak now.

"I'm so damn lonely, Philip." My voice a trembling whisper. "And I'm so scared."

"Dan, you don't have to be alone. I won't let you and I won't leave you," Phil spoke in a voice that was firm yet calming. "As for all those ghosts in your head, they better make room because my love for you is not afraid of anything. If you're not ready, if you're too scared, if you just want someone to be here or someone to guide you I am right here." His voice grew softer into a whisper; his thumbs brushing away my tears as he cupped my face. "I've always been right here."

My eyes searched his, though I don't know what I was looking for. Maybe for a hint of doubt, a glimpse of his strength and conviction wavering but there was none. In the sea of colors looking back at me, all I found was certainty. I placed my hands over his, closing my eyes for a moment before meeting his gaze again. Almost hypnotically he drew my face closer to his, meeting me half way. His lips brushed against mine and I gasped. I inhaled because suddenly I was lightheaded and the anxiety that shook me before was replaced with a nervousness that I haven't felt since I stepped off the train in Manchester almost 8 years ago.


	2. I Thought I Heard You Say Something About Being Undeserving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a little filler ~

“Dan? Dan…?” Phil whispering my name against my lips sent a shiver down my spine. I knew he was asking for permission in just those three letters and despite my grip on him tightening, I had to pull my head away from him.

“I’m sorry, Phil,” I mumbled; averting my eyes to the floor as I begin taking steps backwards. “I need my space right now.”

That was a lie and I know he knew that was a lie, but I left him in the kitchen to clean up the coffee and the cereal and whatever mess of myself I left behind. My bedroom door shut with a soft click and my body fell heavy against my duvet. After everything I said, I now feel hollow. Like I had dropped what I’ve been carrying for months and now that the weight is gone… I know it’s a temporary feeling. Because I’ve felt this before so I know that slowly it will build up again. Every time it feels much heavier than the last.

I roll over onto my stomach, burying my face into my pillow. I shut my eyes because I don’t want to see anymore. Looking at the world around me is too much. It’s too much to focus on anything and I just want to breathe. I try the breathing exercises - the ones I do during my liveshows - and I fail.

_God. Why can’t I just get it together? And fuck, it’s Thursday. Phil has a liveshow tonight._

I take a deep breath, exhaling loudly then put my pillow over my head. I just need to sleep.

~~\------~~

I awoke to the sound of my heart beating rapidly and cold sweat sticking to my chest and forehead.

“Yeah, the new AmazingPhil video was a real horror story!” Phil laughed from the lounge.

I rubbed my face, grimacing at the cold wetness of my skin and slipped out of my covers. I was careful making my way into the lounge. The last thing I needed was to be spotted on camera and feel the pressure to join in. Especially when I’m pretty sure I closely resembled a trainwreck. I dropped to my hands and knees with a soft thud and crawl over to sit just within Phil’s view. He glances at me for a second, but in the next his eyes are fixed on the screen of his laptop. I watch as a sympathetic smile forms on his lips and I could tell that it was for me.

I listen quietly as Phil goes on with his liveshow. He gives shoutouts, answers questions, and responds to comments about his recent upload and our latest videos on our gaming channel. I smile every time he mentions my name. I don’t come up often, but when I do, he makes sure to look at me for a moment. It’s a very shortlived moment because otherwise his viewers would catch on, but I appreciate it anyway. Eventually he shuts his laptop and I speak up first.

“Thank you for cleaning up the mess in the kitchen.”

“I burned the coffee, so it was my mess too. You don’t have to thank me.” He got himself comfortable on our sofa and then patted the spot next to him. I made my way over without missing a beat, happy to be close to him again but wary. I kept a distance between us and brought my legs up, holding my knees to my chest.

“I know.”

He thumbed at the curl that fell in the middle of my forehead then lightly brushed it aside. “Did you have a good nap?”

“Kinda. Could’ve slept longer.” I was relieved to see he wasn’t going to bring up everything else that happened earlier.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Bad dreams.”

He nodded knowingly then offered me a gentle smile. “Should I order us dinner or would you like to help me in the kitchen?”

“Order please,” I mumbled then sighed. “I still feel very tired.”

After Phil and I agreed on pizza for dinner, he placed the order then stood up. “I’m going to take a shower. If the pizza guy gets here before I’m done, you know where my wallet is.”

“Or I could just pay for it?” I furrowed my brows in confusion but Phil just rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, Danny.” He pressed a kiss into my hair and then headed off to the bathroom.

I got up to get his wallet anyway and flipped through it, taking out the money for the pizza. I smiled to myself when I pulled out the picture he had of us tucked away behind his I.D. It was an old photo, taken not long after we met. I remember when he first put it in there, mostly because I was the one who did it. I was always so afraid he’d forget about me. Like maybe I didn’t have the same impact on his life that he did on mine. Or maybe he would choose to forget about me. Because maybe I’m too much for him. With my temper and mood swings and inconsistency. I wondered how Phil could have loved me back then when I was a hurricane, ripping up parts of his life like a careless tourist. I thought about how over the years, he hasn’t once gotten mad about it. Despite the fact that his friendships with others have ended because of me and my hands that get possessive and have a tendency to turn into fists before handshakes. I thought about how he would rather kiss those fists time and time again than ever ask me to change.


	3. You Were Drunker Than High School, Self Conscious and Sweet

The pizza was ate in a comfortable silence, Steven Universe on our tv screen. It was a blur of colours as I was no longer paying much attention to the plot of this episode. I finished my third slice and took a sip of my ribena mixed with wine. Not the best concoction, but I was about three glasses in so the taste wasn’t much of a bother anymore. 

“I think I might be bi,” I said, nervously fidgeting with my cup.

“That’s okay too,” Phil said matter of factly. “Whatever label you want to use or don’t want to use is fine. It’s okay. As long as you’re happy and comfortable with who you are.”

I swallowed thickly, still playing with my cup and not looking up from my lap. “I’m not comfortable with who I am,” I mumbled to myself but I knew he heard me. He scooted closer to me, setting his food down and pulled me into him.

“I know,” he whispered. “I want to help. You just have to tell me how.”

I set my glass down and buried my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent deeply. “I need you..”

Phil lifted my head up and this time he didn’t wait — he pressed his lips against mine and I felt myself fall apart. I kissed back desperately — embarrassingly so — and he shifted us so he was laying back with me on top of him. He gripped my waist tight, holding me firmly in place. 

“Dan, we can stop whenever you want,” he whispered, but I pressed our lips back together. My tongue working its way into his mouth. I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to kiss him until my lips were numb and I wanted him to touch me until the fire burning under my skin was put out.  _ I needed this.  _

I brought my knees up on either side of him, straddling his hips and pressed down; both of us releasing a moan at the same time. I’ve never been with another guy before, never been this close to another guy before. Only Phil. We’ve shared small pecks and gentle touches and cuddles before, but never like this except years ago when we first met. Back when we were young and curious, or perhaps I was the one who was curious. I pressed down again and this time I felt him grind his hips up.

“Fuck,” I moaned out and I pressed my palm flat against his racing heart, burying my face into his neck. The feeling was overwhelming.

“Should we stop?” He was out of breath, but still somehow managed to sound composed.

I nodded in reply. The heat in my lower stomach and throbbing between my legs beginning to settle. “I’m sorry…”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” He rubbed up and down my back soothingly and I felt him press a kiss into my hair. “Take your time. And remember to breathe.”

I nodded once again and tried to mimic his own inhales and exhales, calming down slowly. My body relaxed against his after a few minutes and I opened my eyes to see that he had started another episode of SU. I could hear him humming softly, his fingertips tracing circles on the small of my back and I sighed. 

“Better,” he asked, looking down at me.

“Better.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So this is my first fanfic/phanfic on here and I'm a little rusty with writing so sorry. This is a revamp of fanfic I started on wattpad but didn't finish and the story is going to be a lot different. I dont think anyone read it anyway so whatever lol. Please leave feedback so I can know if I should finish this story or not. I don't know how many chapters I'm going to write or what my update schedule will be. I guess it depends on how many people are interested. So please comment!


End file.
